Spirit Of Dead Guy Deems “Ghosting” An Offensive Term

AUSTIN – The specter of a man who died in 1999 and was accidentally summoned back to reality through a game of Ouija is calling for a national ban of the term “ghosting,” claiming it is an offensive slur to spirits such as himself.

Yancy Muckdrill (1967-1999), who was tragically bored to death while watching a four-hour workprint of the film Wild Wild West, was shocked to learn how ghosts are now being used as scapegoats for unacceptable behavior.

“When someone disappears on you without warning, suddenly that makes them a ghost, and I have never been so offended,” proclaims Muckdrill, who has been trapped in a hellish purgatory for the last quarter century but says that’s nothing compared to the prejudice he has experienced since his spirit was resurrected.

The term “ghosting” has rapidly evolved in recent years as a way to describe people who randomly cease all forms of communication without notice. Its most common use is on dating apps and during job interviews.

“It’s a vicious form of stereotyping is what it is,” commented Muckdrill. “I was killed this way; I didn’t ask to be a ghost.”

One unlikely source of support for a national ban on the word has emerged from Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), whose colleagues identify him as already being dead on the inside.

“Blah blah blah, nobody listens to what I say, anyway, blah blah blah,” said Cruz, who is proposing a ban on 7,266 other words in addition to “ghosting.”

“Over my dead body will we ever give up,” promised Muckdrill.

Senator Cruz proceeded to ghost Muckdrill after watching the fateful Wild Wild West workprint and actually kind of enjoyed it.

Note: I do not write for the Onion, but I like to pretend that I do.