Local Man Wins Settlement After Successfully Suing Himself

SEATTLE – In a legal case that’s leaving people scratching their heads more than the plot of Christopher Nolan’s “Tenet,” a Seattle-area man is nearly three million dollars richer after bringing a lawsuit upon himself – and winning.

The case stems from a February Facebook post where Joey Cawley, 48, stated that “I always thought ‘February’ was spelled ‘Feb-u-ary.’ I’m such a moron lol.” Four of his 17 friends liked the post, with one giving it a “tears of joy” emoji.

Enraged at his own self-deprecation, Cawley filed a lawsuit against himself with the King County Superior Court in downtown Seattle. In the lawsuit, Cawley accused himself of libel while seeking damages of more than three million dollars.

Cawley, who was the defendant and plaintiff in the one-of-a-kind case, gleefully left the courthouse Monday morning after a settlement for 2.8 million dollars had been reached.

“Justice has finally been delivered,” said Cawley, who held up a check written to himself by himself for 2.8 million dollars. “Maybe now people will finally see that I’m not gonna put up with my own abuse for any longer.”

Presiding over the case was the Honorable Chet Marquette, who said he had never seen such a lawsuit in his two days on the bench.

“It really is a unique situation,” said Marquette. “Cawley has apparently been bullying himself for years, and it’s time for it to stop.”

Reportedly, Cawley is planning to file an appeal against himself.

A manager for Seattle Credit Union claims that Cawley was unable to cash his check due to insufficient funds.

A representative for King County Superior Court denies the existence of Judge Chet Marquette and is filing a lawsuit against Cawley for wasting everyone’s time.

Note: I do not write for the Onion, but I like to pretend that I do.