Guy Petitions Federal Government For More Solar Eclipses

SAN DIEGO – A Southern California man has launched a petition requesting that the United States Government enact total solar eclipses on a more routine basis.

Jordan Blanch, 26, set up the petition on the popular crusading website, which has so far received seven signatures. Blanch argues that producing more solar eclipses will help stabilize the economy, reduce global warming, and create jobs.

“The fact that the government has refused Americans access to one of these total eclipses for so long should be a no-brainer for change,” said Blanch.

The last time a total eclipse of this magnitude was seen across the entire contiguous United States was in 1918, which Blanch says is “totally unacceptable.”

“President Woodrow Wilson was in office the last time this happened for crying out loud!” Blanch remarked as he cried out loud.

In addition to starting the petition, Blanch has also pitched a sign in his front yard and printed a t-shirt branded with his slogan, “Bowler for Solar.”

“I’m a regular at the Discount Bowl so the slogan wrote itself,” commented Blanch as he showed off his fourteen-pound magenta bowling ball. “We plan to take this to the Supreme Court if we have to.”

The Supreme Court voted 8-1 against Blanch’s case, with Associate Justice Clarence Thomas as the lone supporter.

Note: I do not write for the Onion, but I like to pretend that I do.