Local Woman Denies Her Own Existence

PORTLAND – A Portland-area woman has recently come forward with denials that she even exists.

Ellen Rollenberger, 32, told reporters on Tuesday that she highly doubts she is real and believes that the atoms and other particles that make up her body are inter-dimensional fabrications. When asked how she was being interviewed if she doesn’t actually exist, Rollenberger responded that the interview wasn’t really taking place.

“I’m not even here,” she said assuredly. “That’s the truth.”

Rollenberger is known in the Portland area as a natural skeptic and has previously denied the occurrence of major events, such as the creation of dairy substitutes and President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s fourth term in office. Denial of her own reality, however, has some people questioning their own existence as well.

Sandy Mayfield of Eugene echoed similar sentiments, saying that she never questioned her own reality until hearing Rollenberger’s story.

“I just don’t believe there is enough evidence to prove that I’m really here,” commented the 58-year-old Mayfield. “Science can prove some things, but not everything.”

Rollenberger and Mayfield plan to start an all-encompassing fraternity for people who are currently questioning whether they truly exist.

“We want people to feel comfortable with who they are or who they aren’t,” said Rollenberger. “Once you realize that you’re not really here, then you can go anywhere without actually being there.”

The Atomic Energy Regulatory Board denies any involvement in this story.

Note: I do not write for the Onion, but I like to pretend that I do.